An unidentified selfish 15 year old skinny rat

A friend today commented saying that she is waiting for my next post. My heart broke. I wanted to cry for help. My not writing makes me feel very guilty. I think about millions of posts and i write them but then i judge myself and i am not satisfied. They are all fake in my eyes. How can i fix something that is wrong with me ? I did what i do best. Speak truthfully from the heart.
I hope this one works out.

My family has been nagging for the past week about going to Eilat (A city in the south of palestine). I hate eilat. I've been to it so many times that i remember all of its streets by heart. We could've gone anywhere else. But going abroad for my family is prohibited because my parents are divorced.Eventually i convinced myself that it would be nice. I thought about laying in the sun reading a book. I agreed but it didn't matter they would go whether i did or not.

I've heard so much about Ben gurion airport and how badly they treat people. I wasn't surprised when i saw the long line. I wasn't surprised when they stopped every male Palestinian for a half a hour interrogation. As a matter of fact only the israelis in the back of the line were surprised. They weren't used to that treatment. They don't go through check points nor waited in a line for hours for no apparent reason. The Palestinians and i were more than used to it. Its a lifestyle. At least for me it was. I was born here i know the feeling of not understanding their language. Of being criticized integrated and checked but my mother wasn't. Shes from abroad. She still gets angry when they tell us to go to the side for personal check.

In Eilat nobody can say whether we were Palestinians or not. So we were treated with respect maybe they treated us this way to get our money. I think that some israelis hate that sometimes they need our money and that sometimes they work for us. I've noticed that we were the only arabs in the hotel. It was filled up with israelis on the first day. But then the next day was filled with arabs. A day separated each side from staying at the same hotel. As if they weren't allowed to stay together or sleep together in the same place.

The city was filled up with french jews. My brother and i tried to talk to them but they flinched away. They saw we were arabs and turned their faces away.What i saw and felt is that they couldn't stand talking to us nor being acquainted to us. They refused us. The jews that were staying in Israel had no problem with us. They didn't prefer it but yala life goes on. For them staying with arabs is a life style too. Arabs are not a strange idea. I couldn't stop asking. Are we lead by the jews from the outside ? The ones that don't want to identify us ? If so of course the peace accords wouldn't be working.
I must say. Im comfortable with israelis. Of course not all of them. But little by little we are getting accustomed to each other and our weird habits. Like a newly wed couple who only met on their wedding day although they don't want to meet they are urged by how strong headed they are. This couple also reminds me of angry teenagers. Each side is right and there is no doubt about it. I hate sitting back and watching this bloodful show. Like a parent watching her son make a mistake. But my hands are tied with barbed wires cutting into my skin and my lips are closed by fear.

The way that these french jews refused me reminded me when i once went to a jewelry shop in jerusalem. I talked to the shop keeper with a mixture of english and hebrew. While i was purchasing my item the woman asked me when i came back to the promised land. I looked at her stunned. I told her that i was born here. She asked me what school i go to. I couldnt mouth my schools name. I thought i would throw up if i did. So i responded with "i go to the anglican school" ( which is an expensive mixed school). I didnt say it because i thought my school wasnt worthy. Its because i didnt know any other school that had both arabs and israelis. I wanted her to mistake me with anybody but who i am. I did all of that scenario just because i didnt want her to flinch away from me when she learns I'm a palestinian. I didnt want her to step away and Give me a disgusted look. After all i am a 15 year old. I act as if i'm strong. As if this conflict doesnt affect me . But oh it does. I still run away from racism. I still get hurt when an israeli woman tells me to stop speaking arabic in the mall. Lik a little girl i cant stand these disgusted looks. I want to live in peace. I dont care about both sides i selfishly only care about myself and my family. I only can and want to protect them. I dont want my dead body splashed around in the media saying how an another attack killed a palestinian. I want to be an another death. I want my own death. I dont want a big funeral visited by everybody i dont know as if i am memorized by the martyr that I was not. I am only a selfish 15 year old nobody. Sending out thoughts as if they matter. I get a heart attack when i imagine my brother or my best friend in the same situation. I dont want to fight. I want to hide. But there is no where to hide. There's no where to escape. Jerusalem tricks you into falling deep whether you want it or not.

Ive been meaning to say this for a while. All palestinians should fight for the cause. Teens my age are dying proudly on the streets giving their bodies away to the great cause with smiles on their faces. They are not scared so why am i ? Why cant i feel this strong feeling of love for my country why cant i stand up to a soldier like all of them ? I am only a skinny rat who only wants to save her skin.
I cant be a Palestinian then. I am not an israeli too. I am barely a jordanian. I dont fit anywhere. I
have no identity. No i am an identity-less skinny rat. No wonder i am an outcast.

When we arrived to the air port in Eilat A woman working in the airport took us by hand and of course had to do the personal check up for the terrorists. She checked everything we had. But then wouldnt leave us. She went with us through every stage. Because she worked in the airport we didnt wait in any of the long lines. The interesting thing was the looks of the french jews who asked who are they ? Why didnt they wait in the line ? They dont have the right to do that.
I guess my potentially being a terrorist helped me get a VIP pass.