Fading away

Dear readers,

I just found out the cons of documenting every part of my day. Not every moment of my day is a good one. Not every thing i do I'm proud of.
I wrote a post naming it rich folks where i judgmentally wrote about people i barely spoke with calling them names and degrading them. I didn't give them a chance. I was just so into the moment i didn't think ahead. I didn't think about who i was hurting and how i wasn't hurting them with the truth because this is not who they are. I was just being cocky. I want to appoligise to them and specifically this one girl on my mind and i promise i won't hurt anybody again on this blog.

What i want to talk about is my experience being away from home in the MEET conference (read the post jungle hunger to know what MEET is).
In my eyes my year is divided into three main groups : Arabs speaking arabic together, Israelis speaking hebrew together and the neutral ones they are from both the sides and speak english together.

Coming into MEET i stayed at least two days with each group studying them. After the summer i knew for sure that i was an individual. I didn't fit in any of the groups. I didn't understand hebrew i couldn't make the arabs laugh nor understand their jokes (which I'm sure are good) and the neutral where too active and loud even for me.

So i stayed alone. Sometimes staying with the arabs but mostly i would sit with some other individuals and that is where i met Noam.
I met Noam in the summer. We connected over American TV shows and books. We used to watch Pretty Little Liars together and talk non stop about everything. Agreeing on everything.
We even planned to meet each other after the summer. I remember once when i looked at her on the bus and promised myself that i would be connected with her even without the help of MEET.
But that never happened.

After the summer i was hit with the truth. There was still an unsafe and violent situation around. An arab hanging with an Israeli wasn't the image to be seen. I ran from the dates that noam would set and never show up but i still loved her inside.
The moment i looked at her in the first session of the yearlong i knew that something changed. There was a political wall now between us . The young girls watching PLL and playing charades protected by the fake walls of a summer camp are gone.

I didn't try to reconcile. I depended on the summer to fix what was broken. The summer could bring everything i thought.
When i came to the meet conference i didn't see her around but didn't notice that until she came late at night. I didn't say hi nor hugged her. We got used to that.
The next day while i was sitting with some kids from nazareth in meet i looked at my phone and found that Noam left the meet group. I ran to my TA  Naomi asking her about Noam and where she was. She affirmed what i had feared.
A shock went through me. I thought of us smiling at each other promising to stay friends. I thought about the first time i saw her after the summer. I thought about the next summer and how i was going to fix it. I was too late and she was gone.
I dont know why i asked Naomi for Noam's number i already had it but i took it and called her. Her voice was weak and calm but sad. She told me she left because of her and that she didn't stay because  she didn't want to.

I helped her leave. I ignored her and the wall between us thinking that the summer was going to come sooner or later. I imagined us graduating together but now thats gone.
Its not just Noam that is gone now lots of Israeli girls left MEET. Its mostly arabs now.
Getting into meet, saying these tearful goodbyes in the summer. I didn't believe that anybody would want to leave. The ones i was connected to most are now fading so fast i can't stop it.
I went to the Arab girls telling them about Noam. They hit me with how it doesn't matter and how better it is that there are more arabs now.
I was losing every part of meet that i knew. I was losing the thing i thought i knew. Its like i was wrapped up in a warm blanket and was uncovered in a matter of seconds.

I thought about me staying alone last night thinking how cold i was. How depressed i felt. How hard I've been trying to connect with anybody while she was a matter of seconds away from me. I could've stopped her.

I didn't think i was going to cry. I went to Naomi to get a grip on what is happening. I was surprised that when i really needed it i went to her not to any other Palestinian TA. I found myself crying to her. I told her how i could see my year leaving in front of me and i couldn't prevent it.
I told her how lonely i am and how i wish i fitted with anybody. I wanted to tell her about Noam but i couldn't tell her what i had lost.
She held me to her and talked some sense into me. She encouraged me and showed me the bright side of not belonging. How being unattached to a group made me free to try and meet. How i have reached a higher level than them but that didn't help i cried more thinking i want to be in their same level.
I stopped crying when she told me how i remind her of herself in my age. Trying to do the same thing but also failing. I was surprised that she found something in me that was like her. I didn't expect to do that to Noami. I saw truth and trust in her blue eyes. I saw kindness and care that i didn't see in anybody but my mother and with that i was able to wipe my tears and look forward to the future although i couldn't see anything encouraging in it.

I stood up and washed my face. I hugged her like i used to hug Noam when i cried in the summer. All i thought about was to get myself working and out of this situation. I went to a computer and started working on the game i was supposed to do and this somehow helped.

If you are reading this Noam I'm sorry i didn't come to the dates we arranged. I'm sorry i didn't hug you. I'm sorry i broke my promise and I'm sorry i waited for the summer. The nice thing about it is that i can still imagine us graduating together hand in hand with our MEET diplomas.