Hello,
I just left the screening of a movie I've wanted to watch for a long time, because angry voices in my head were telling me I was worth nothing. I told my friends that I had a lot of homework as I went back to my floor. If pain is the reason I write then no wonder I am starting to write now.
I've been easing into college quite well. Americans are very inclusive and I love being here. I am curious about anything they can offer and they are ready to tell me anything and everything about their passions. I've realized that I am becoming more like them as I drink iced coffee and listen to Take on me by a-ha. Physically I am doing just fine its mentally were the issues arise.
I prize myself for my mental abilities. I've been through multiple traumas in my life and was able to fix them by myself in a healthy manner. The thing is arabs dont give a lot of attention to mental health, so if anything I am expected to talk about physical struggles like my classes or food. I dont know how I will tell my people that I am struggling with anxious thoughts produced by none other than evil me.
I am in a cycle that never stops because my thoughts are always in full speed. I sit in my common room because otherwise I judge myself for being anti-social. As voices of the people in the room go louder I get quieter. They face each other as they turn away from me and my mind stabs me screaming they hate me. I frown as the voices continue "You're nothing, Who would talk to a person like you ? You're no good and they know it". I try to talk my thoughts away but how can I when I cant hear myself think. I try to say the right thing at the right time as an attempt to convince them that I am not a terrible person that everybody hates.
I feel my light head filling up with jumbled thoughts pushing me downwards into nothing. These evil voices shout at me making me more insecure about who I am. They look deep into my building blocks and criticize every atom of my existence. The thing is they know me so well, they always hit the right spots. They fill my head with scrawls of black and white as I rock myself in the middle of my mind begging for them to stop. I wish I could physically cry them away but they dont go.
The thing is, as I was leaving home to college the only concern I had was my fear of myself and my insecurities. I dont have many and my friends dont know about them, but if there is one thing that can break me, its me. I've never been good with groups. I've alway had an issue socializing with people my age and here I am interacting on a daily bases with a group of 50 wondrous people who are not even thinking about the mechanics of how they are bonding, as I sit on the side overthinking my breath.
At times I wonder what I should do about the voices. I try to fix them organically by rationalizing them to myself. I talk to myself as if I am rocking a 5 year old to sleep. Caressing my words as I tell myself everything will be fine. Two nights ago I held my breath until dots appeared in my horizon as I concealed the abstract pain with another that I can control. I laughed today as I thought about drinking alcohol just to blur the thoughts away.
I am writing this as a remedy to my problem. I've plunged myself into new lands, people and subjects I know nothing about. Even my skin and body feel different to me. The only place I feel at home right now is this blog. The familiarity of verbalizing my thoughts into writing may be therapeutic. I am not losing anything by doing this, if anything my heart is relaxing for the first time in many weeks.
